The illusive letter
I find it important to look at self, not only through the prism of sexuality but to examine many other parts, so that we avoid connecting the wrong dots and mistake the external voices for our own, just like I was once connecting bisexuality with being sexual (and sexually active) and, thus, bad. This was not my voice that was telling me this story. I made this connection over a lifetime of being told that sex is bad, women must be modest and married and love is only possible between a ciswoman and a cisman.
All of those stories are untrue and they are not our stories. We are victims of bad storytelling, indoctrination and oppression. When I realised that I had been suffocating in the box of the ‘traditional’ way of being, I had to create my own existence. This is a rather challenging task, as I have not had many alternative experiences of being and I was regularly pushed back and away from a more aligned life.
I often feel like I borrowed bisexuality because it wasn’t in my vocabulary till my mid-twenties, which is only a decade away from the day I agreed to write this book. Although borrowed, I am starting to feel more at home with this word, stretching it like a canvas on all parts of my being. When I first welcomed the term, I didn’t expect anyone else to misunderstand me or suggest their own definitions. I didn’t know that bisexuality was open to interpretations. Claiming bisexuality for myself introduced new challenges, adding to my assortment of seemingly irrelevant dots. At first, I found it difficult to understand how people’s definitions of bisexuality would shape how they saw me and themselves, and I was constantly defending my own definition, explaining myself and fighting off ‘yes, but…’.
At the same time, claiming bisexuality didn’t change how the world perceived me, and I continue fighting for my place under the sun. I also often feel both liberated and burdened by the world’s ideas and preconceptions of my newly discovered way of being in the world.
The reason we feel uncertain doesn’t lie within the mystery of bisexuality but in the bigotry of our society.
Bisexuality challenges don’t come on their own; they intersect with the other parts of our experiences and identity: facing embodied indoctrination about family values, women’s place in society, gender norms, monosexism and sexuality, being rewarded and/or punished for some expression and behaviours and not others.
This becomes even more complicated for people of colour, trans people, disabled people and more. Bisexuality is shrouded in misunderstanding, confusion and stigma. Bisexuality is also actively attempted to be erased by those who only accept binary attraction, such as heterosexual and homosexual orientations. At the same time, bisexuals are often accused of discrimination because of the inherit ‘two’ in the word, implying attraction to two genders only, excluding nonbinary, non-conforming, fluid, trans and questioning. Following this logic, being attracted to two genders seems to be more discriminatory than being attracted to one. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Heteronormative standards are spilling into the homosexual community because patriarchy is in the centre of our universe, having us all in perfect orbits, like a super massive black hole, prevented from colliding with each other or reaching out into the centre.
While the two-genders-only claim may be interesting and accurate for some, it is also confusing and inaccurate for many others. Bisexuality encompasses a much wider and deeper capacity to be attracted to humans of all genders, albeit not necessarily at the same time or with the same intensity. Moreover, bisexuality doesn’t only imply sexual attraction. Some people may experience no sexual attraction at all (asexual) and still fall in love or seek affection (biromantic). When I first adopted and proclaimed bisexuality as my own, I couldn’t predict how much explaining I was going to do, especially in parts of the queer community. Realising my bisexuality was exciting at first, because I thought I was going to be accepted and welcomed to the queer world. It felt really special to be a part of something I align with instead of trying to fit myself into something I am not. Since I never felt I belonged in the heterosexual community, I thought I was going to find my people in the queer one. But here, I was met with the ‘heterosexual woman’ air quotes label, which I didn’t even know was a thing. I was unexpectedly placed back into the old story of just being a little wild and adventurous, not bisexual (for those who deny bisexuals their existence).
I didn’t know yet that bisexuals didn’t easily belong in the rainbow community, even though the ‘B’ is in the LGBTQIA+. It is right there. You can see it, right?
As a bisexual woman, I seem to continue finding myself in similar waters with both straight and gay men who want to know all about the promiscuous sexual activities I get into, while gay women try to help me understand that I am confused and this phase will pass, and straight women say nothing, moving two seats away from me on the bus (do not flatter yourself — I don’t fall in love with everyone).
Bisexuals are accused of being promiscuous, not simply because we have this beautiful capacity within us to love but because we are oppressed by those who uphold prude, conservative and unnatural ideas. Bisexuality being a phase is topping the list of bi prejudice and confusion, even though it’s not uncommon for people who leave their heterosexual relationship to start identifying as gay before they join the bi+ community.
Interestingly, what seems to be most valued to many of us is often permanent, well-determined, articulate, certain, defined, understood and solid, whether that’s art, work, family or our life goals. Many people become uncomfortable when things change too often, when people or situations are too unpredictable. We have well-defined roles in the society, like order in words and sentences, certainty in the future and final answers in relationships. This is why making mistakes can feel so embarrassing. We tend to want certainty, clarity and coherence. It makes sense to gravitate towards alignment.
However, sometimes we are not aligned, not sure, not very articulate or accurate, don’t know yet, cannot define, or feel like we are falling apart, maybe changing. And all those states are important parts of being human — those are states of transition. Without them, we cannot grow, know self, and feel more aligned. In order to be defined and solid, even if those are just feelings, we travel a path of uncertainty, fluidity and change. This process never finishes: ageing, emotions, interests, life circumstances, health. Nothing is ever final, defined, solid. Everything is always moving and changing. In all this impermanence, bisexuality seems like another punch to the face of the illusion many are holding on to for their lives. I believe that bisexuality threatens many unsustainable and untrue ideas, the destruction of which can liberate us all from the chains of oppression. You may stick a cape on bisexuality now!
Our discomfort with change and impermanence results in rigid doctrines, dubious ideas (such as bisexual cycles I mentioned earlier) and our own doubt of self. I am not alone in my regular self-questioning, like a very persistent judge trying to make a final decision.
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While bisexuality can help inform some of our attractions, we employ many other tools to pick our partners and friends, such as childhood experiences, values, religions and political views. Attraction is rarely well-defined. And while that may annoy the living hell out of some people, it makes a lot of sense to people with the capacity for multisexual attraction. For some people, genders matter. For others, not so much. And for all of us, our definitions and ideas of genders and sexes may differ from one another. There are also different levels and depths of human connections, depending on the person, circumstance and desired outcome. I am unable to fall in love without the deepest connection of them all. This doesn’t come with my sexuality alone but is entangled with my past experiences, traumas and ideas. Bisexuality doesn’t come in a vacuum, thus my experiences would always include many other variables.
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